Growing Pains

     Have you ever had to do something that was good for you? Something that would change your life, that would make you absolutely one hundred percent a better person? Have you ever had to change? The answer is probably yes, and while we look at all of those previous things, it's hard not to get excited about it, but there is something hard about change. We don't like to give up things that we love, whether they are right or wrong, we like to justify loving them.
     If you cannot imagine, I am in that same situation right now. I loved. I had worked hard to love, and had given up many things (ironically some very good things) so that I could completely love, but it is very richly ironic how it does not work that way. I was so foolish with everything, and what do I have to show as my reward for all of this time, this effort, this love? nothing. Worse than nothing, that wouldn't be as bad as what I have, which is hate. Sorrow. Sadness. Regret. Nothing productive, everything negative. I don't like it, if you cannot imagine it, and believe me, I am working hard on trying to forgive myself about the whole thing.
     My last post was about how I want to progress and change, to utilize my Heavenly Father's most important tool: the Atonement. This post is about how it is not easily done. All of my life I have pretended to know at least something (if not everything) about anything, that I always had a solution, some advice or something to help the world. All of my life, it was about me being the best. It was about how I was awesome and had something to show you, and that you better shut up and listen so I can tell you. That is wrong though. Sorry world, that is so wrong, and I would absolutely hate to see that get into this blog. This is not what I knew, this is about what I am learning, what I am coming to know through my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. This is my path to becoming a disciple of Christ, and I just want to be able to record it in a place where I might be able to help others. My struggles are mostly what I have done for myself, my family has always been incredible and financially stable, and while we have not been rich we have never had to skip a meal or go without food for any period of time. I never had any large physical issues that prevented me from learning and growing. Therefore, all that I have wrong with me is just what I let in, which sadly, is a lot.
     So I think I have painted the picture that I am pretty miserable, and that I don't really like being miserable. How do I change? How do I get in a better position so that I can start to enjoy this incredible God given world and be able to let things go? How does the Atonement work so that I can not forget about the pain but instead be able to move on and not do it again? The first step is analyzing the problem, or realizing there is a problem if you havent done so.
      Ok, so I have in fact already realized my problem, and I have stopped it so that it is not in my life anymore, that is another huge one that needs to be done. I can't stop analyzing it, though details are not important here, only the fact that I am coming to understand why I feel the way that I feel. It is hard to grow sometimes. It's hard to give up things and even some 'rights' to become a higher person, a disciple. After analyzing it, and better understanding that this is what is wrong with me, it is time for the real repentance process to kick in. This is where things get tough, and some people quit, because you literally kill your old self and then have Heavenly Father help rebuild you. When quitting any addiction you start to have a lot more time, idle time if you are not careful, which could be refilled with the same habit, or something worse. The same is with any sin. When repenting and ridding yourself of such filth it is so easy to not refill that empty space with the Lord and His incredible and eternal Gospel.
     Repenting is not merely destroying the bad, it is taking upon yourself good and higher standards of living. It is helping Heavenly Father shape you into someone that can help in the Eternities, someone who can work and progress, who will take care of his family. This is not done overnight and is not done by just stopping to sin. It is making the best out of what you have, spiritually, to gain more, to get better. It is praying specifically and continually, and then searching and pondering the scriptures for answers. This is what I have come to learn what Repentance is. It is not a checklist, but a continual process. We may only have so much to do before we feel forgiven of our sins, but stopping there would be a sin in and of itself, thus repentance never stops.

     I know that God lives. What a comforting statement, and if truly believed then what an even more comforting statement. I know that He loves us enough to send us here, to give us trials so that we will then be able to trust and work with Him to be able to rise above them. I know that He did this by sending His son, Jesus Christ, to Atone and die for our sins. Christ lived a perfect life, but he was not without trials and hardships, how then, could a mere, imperfect mortal live a life without any? It is simply not possible, but we can lessen our load by using the Atonement. I know this to be true, and I am coming to truly know and love my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I am going to serve a full two year mission, I have been promised that but I will only get it according to my faith and works. I will work and have faith to do it. I thank you for your time, please message me or comment if you have any questions or comments.

God be with you 'till we meet again,
Jacob Mahlon Allred